


Tattered Hearts and Ragged Souls

by Inastiel



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-16
Updated: 2014-02-16
Packaged: 2018-01-12 16:20:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1191783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Inastiel/pseuds/Inastiel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>McCoy stumbles onto that shuttle with a heart that hasn't quite finished breaking.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tattered Hearts and Ragged Souls

Leonard keeps his aching heart inside his body with a shaking hand and a litany of curses. He clings to his alcohol-the only thing holding the full force of the pain back-and stumbles into the tiny shuttle filled with kids too hopeful and too young.

He feels sick.

It’s not the drink, he knows that. It’s the crushing pain of losing the most precious thing in the world. It seeps its way through the numbness of the alcohol, stabbing at him with every young face he sees.

He folds himself into a seat. No. He can’t do it, no, no he can’t stay in this tin can, it’ll break, he has no luck, he’s going to break, he can’t breathe, oh god, _no_

He throws himself onto his feet and hurtles to the tiny bathroom, trying to breathe. The metal is cold. He presses his forehead against it, relishing the relief against his sweaty skin as his breathing evens out slightly. It’s an alien feeling. He doesn’t mind. Anything familiar hurts. Familiar is gone, like Joanna.

He feels sick again.

There’s someone shouting in his ear, words he can’t understand, it’s all just noise and static, angry and exasperated. He blinks, trying to focus his tattered mind, and her words become intelligible. She says he needs a doctor. He barks out a laugh at that, startling her. He doesn’t need a doctor, dammit, he is a doctor. Or he was. He’s not sure if he is one now. He can’t even fix himself, just like he couldn’t fix his father.

She wants him to go back to his seat. He flings words back at her, looking for some outlet, something to ease the pain in his heart, but she simply glares and the pain bounces back. He’s not going to win this one, so he navigates his way to the nearest seat.

There’s a beat-up kid staring at him. He opens his mouth to snap at him, but there’s a feral look in the kid’s eyes that says he’s seen more devastation than his demeanour suggests. His soul is fiery but cracked, like someone had taken an axe to it but failed, leaving scars bigger than even Leonard’s. Leonard backs up and says something about the dangers of the shuttle and space. The kid’s sceptical. Of course he is.

There are more words. “My ex-wife took the whole damn planet in the divorce.” She took Joanna. “All I got left is my bones.” And bits of a useless heart that I can’t keep together.

The kid smiles at one point, and it’s like the sun’s hitting Leonard for the first time. He blinks the brightness away, and introduces himself. The words seem sour in his mouth. Sullied.

He offers the kid his drink. He looks like he needs it. There are shadows behind the blue of his eyes, shadows Leonard has seen reflecting back at himself in the mirror. Pain. Loss.

The kid takes the drink. “Jim Kirk.” The words come out slightly bent, like they were someone else’s. Leonard nods.

The shuttle shudders to life and his entire body tenses. He sees his knuckles turn white, feels his chest constrict until he can’t breathe, he can’t breathe he’s going to die before they even make it off the ground, a place he can’t call home anymore is better than this, he can’t do it, he has to go back, back to the tatters of his life it doesn’t matter anymore he can’t go someone let him off he can’t do it-

There’s a hand on his arm, a thumb rubbing circles. Leonard drags in the deepest breath he can manage and focuses on the contact. He looks up for a millisecond, the kid’s ridiculous eyebrows are drawn together, but his eyes are filled with an understanding he has never seen before. Jim knows what panic feels like, what fear is, Leonard is sure. Leonard’s chest pounds like a drum. One heartbeat, two, three. He’s still alive.

Jim keeps his hand on Leonard’s arm and begins to talk. To Leonard’s surprise he’s telling him about starship mechanics and warp theories and how he’s going to be the captain of a starship. The kid’s smart. And ambitious.

He might actually do it. Leonard thinks, astounded. It’s a sharp thought; one that cuts through the haze the kid was lulling him into to one, clear truth.

Leonard can breathe.

It’s a shock. For the first time since Jocelyn ripped the earth underneath his feet Leonard is not buckling under the loss, under the agony of the shattered shards of his heart working its way through everything he is.

The hand stays on his arm. When the sky shakes the shuttle it tightens, sending waves of reassurance up his arm and into his chest. Leonard’s heart reacts from the contact, generates a feeling other than pain and loss. His gratitude vibrates through his body alongside his fear. He hopes Jim can understand it.

The shuttle lands wearily and Leonard grabs his bags and practically runs for the exit. He slows to a halt outside, embracing the fresh air. Jim stops beside him. He carries nothing but his ragged soul and cocky grin.

“Come on, Bones. There’s an entire universe waiting for us."

Leonard stops trying to hold his heart together and follows Jim.


End file.
